I really wanted to write last night to somehow release this depression. But I know myself too well. I may end up writing something that I wish I didn’t. So I let the moment pass before I decided to write  about this. I don’t want to go in to details anymore, though.

I need someone to talk to or so I thought. But I realized it’d be pointless. It’d just be a waste of time for the people who knows what I’m going through right now because they’ll just be hearing and saying the same thing. And it’s tiresome too, you know. Hearing the same thing from different people. I’m tired of being told of my stupidity or martyrdom or whatever this can be called. So I preferred to stare on this lifeless monitor that won’t even console me. Writing has always been one of my refuge at times like this. I just hope it hasn’t lost its magic yet. We’ll see.


-| In the Immortal Words [Life is Not Fair] |-

I have heard this most of my life. I think its one of those things we say to someone when we don’t really know what else to say–EVERYONE at some point in their lives starts to think that the whole world is against him/her, and then they think that they are the only person on earth who have luck this bad. I think you should at least try to count your blessings.



—— Life is not fair.



We have all heard that from someone at some point in our lives. Most of us probably heard it from one or both parents; in an attempt to dismiss us from our usual position in the kitchen, whining about some seemingly emotionally scarring trauma we were experiencing. Whether it was about bullying from an older sibling; or having our request to spend the night away from home with a friend they did not approve of declined emphatically, they’d simply state, “Life is not fair.”



This saying was something of which I was constantly reminded during my early childhood years; but didn’t truly understand until now, as I approach my twenty-one birthday. Life is not fair. Nothing could be more true than that statement at this point in my life. Having reached this brilliant conclusion; what can be done about it?



I’ve always tried to uphold a high standard of ethics and hard, honest work. I have not been without some form of a job since I was fifteen years old. I’ve worked jobs where my hands were blistered and often bled; as well as jobs where I sitting on my ass making easy money. I think I was about twenty when I settled on what I assumed I would want to be doing the rest of my life, or at least the years to come that I would have the patience and mental strength to do it.



—— I Love My Job… I Think ?



I really do like almost everything about my job; the good and the bad; the triumphs and the failures. Many days I find that upon awakening, I must remind myself through affirmation – I love my job, I love my job I love my job…



—— Life is not fair.



All things happen with reason. We do not understand what evil forces are against us when bad things happen; but if we give it time, it will make sense later… usually. I am at a time in my life where I feel I have suffered enough. I have paid for my mistakes; and then some. Just leave me alone and let me live my life in peace. Stop haunting me. Stop playing games and please let me walk away with some shred of dignity. Life is not fair. I love most things about life, but – many times I catch myself thinking, “why me?”



—— Why Me ?



When I find myself asking, Why ME? — I remind myself, “YOU – because Life is not fair.” Somehow, this is not the answer I want but its not really possible to get your subconscious to shut up. You can’t walk away from it. You can’t pretend not to hear it. You can’t stop associating with it.



Because if you could, then maybe Life wouldn’t be so unfair after all.

You are my pain.

No matter how disappointed I get. Or how much long you keep me waiting. I will still be feeling this way. So go ahead… disappoint me, do keep me wait until I run out of patience. Keep doing it until the day I feel no sadness despite the disappointments anymore… Until I know no more pain… Until I turn numb. Til then, I will still say,
I love you.

The Only .. One U !!

ThE OnLy OnE U !

ThE OnLy OnE U !

You’re no one special
You’re just about the only one
Who could see through my eyes
And make me feel safe
Even without my mask
You’re just about the only one
Who would look at me
And then my heart would skip a beat
You’re just about the only one
Who told me to just jump into things I love
And don’t worry bout falling
Coz you’ll be waiting for me
You’ll catch me
You’re just about the only one
Who could make me feel real
Make me strong
And let me believe
That I might be Pretty
You cared that I eat proper meals
You made sure I don’t stay up too late
You called me just to say ‘Hi’
You smile whenever you see me
You say I make you happy
You’re no one special
You just bent my heartstrings
And stirred my soul

Finally Living. Selflessly Loving. Really Learning.

I am alive and I feel alive.

I am alive and I feel alive.

July is so far, okay. Nothing unusual or worth-writing has happened yet. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t really care. Though lately, I’ve spent most of my free time thinking about my life, about what I want, and what I need. I initially planned on making a list of everything I want and need to serve as my easy guide on the things I have to work for. Then I got lazy. HAHA. How I hope it’s that easy. Making a list of what I want and need with the goal of crossing out as many as I can. It can be that easy but I know myself too well. I am not good with lists anymore. Chances are, I might even misplace or lose it even before I can cross out something from it.

It’s amazing how everyday seemed like a chance of discovering something new about me. Funny how every time I daydream or indulge myself to self-evaluation, I find that I am still not the person I want to be or I think I could be. At least, I’m not becoming the person I hate either. Now, how’s that for a good thing? Well, I’ve been through so much lately and I’m letting myself recover and move at my own pace. I really think that’s by far the best thing I’ve let myself do. And when I finally get back to my old ways, it will all feel like brand new because I’ve changed. Yes, I did. And everything, good or bad, that I’ve learned and felt and saw and smelled and touched and thought and did, I owe it all to life. I am alive and I feel alive.

My life isn’t perfect, not even close but I love it this way. It is better this way because I am learning (A LOT). This is probably what I need. This is probably what I want.

I’m Tired.

I'm Dying Here

I'm Dying Here

I’m tired ..

Just Tired Of EveryThing.

I want to pass this night .. I do not want to live it.

I want to sleep .. I can’t .

Punishment of life is very difficult.

i’m tired .. please any body feel me .. just feel me

i want to know there is any body .. just . just feel me ..

feel what i’m on..

My friends are all donkeys.

My family does not feel me and all mutter something else .

there Is No one understand any thing .. or feel any thing.

Please God .. There is no one with me .. I’m here just pray to you ..

O God, stopped in any way.

It is Pain in my body and my mind and my heart and my life ..

Hear me pray to you God.