Finally Living. Selflessly Loving. Really Learning.

I am alive and I feel alive.

I am alive and I feel alive.

July is so far, okay. Nothing unusual or worth-writing has happened yet. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t really care. Though lately, I’ve spent most of my free time thinking about my life, about what I want, and what I need. I initially planned on making a list of everything I want and need to serve as my easy guide on the things I have to work for. Then I got lazy. HAHA. How I hope it’s that easy. Making a list of what I want and need with the goal of crossing out as many as I can. It can be that easy but I know myself too well. I am not good with lists anymore. Chances are, I might even misplace or lose it even before I can cross out something from it.

It’s amazing how everyday seemed like a chance of discovering something new about me. Funny how every time I daydream or indulge myself to self-evaluation, I find that I am still not the person I want to be or I think I could be. At least, I’m not becoming the person I hate either. Now, how’s that for a good thing? Well, I’ve been through so much lately and I’m letting myself recover and move at my own pace. I really think that’s by far the best thing I’ve let myself do. And when I finally get back to my old ways, it will all feel like brand new because I’ve changed. Yes, I did. And everything, good or bad, that I’ve learned and felt and saw and smelled and touched and thought and did, I owe it all to life. I am alive and I feel alive.

My life isn’t perfect, not even close but I love it this way. It is better this way because I am learning (A LOT). This is probably what I need. This is probably what I want.

Walking away.

I will be looking back. EVERYDAY.

So many things have been said about walking away and not looking back anymore. I don’t know if I can do this or IF I ever want to do it. Life, oh life.

Maybe, life, at some point, will really test us. It will try to see how far we are willing to go; how much are we willing to risk; and how big the steps we are willing to make towards this one thing we’ve always wanted and hoped for. And now I’m in that position, I think. Constantly, I’ve been asking if going for what you want really have to entail walking away from something you didn’t want to leave at all. What’s more odd in my case, there really is no decision to make because this is not my call.

It’s not like I can just walkaway from something I’ve worked so hard for. That is not an option. I know in my heart it is about time that I get what I deserve. It’s just that the fact that I have to leave something behind has somewhat extinguished that rewarding feeling that I’m finally just few steps away from the prize. Yes, I feel sad. I feel sad, excited, fulfilled all in one breath. Crazy!!

Well, it’s not like I’m left with a choice. I will inevitably deal with this.

” I will be looking back. EVERYDAY.”