UNTITLED

I really wanted to write last night to somehow release this depression. But I know myself too well. I may end up writing something that I wish I didn’t. So I let the moment pass before I decided to write  about this. I don’t want to go in to details anymore, though.

I need someone to talk to or so I thought. But I realized it’d be pointless. It’d just be a waste of time for the people who knows what I’m going through right now because they’ll just be hearing and saying the same thing. And it’s tiresome too, you know. Hearing the same thing from different people. I’m tired of being told of my stupidity or martyrdom or whatever this can be called. So I preferred to stare on this lifeless monitor that won’t even console me. Writing has always been one of my refuge at times like this. I just hope it hasn’t lost its magic yet. We’ll see.

You are my pain.

No matter how disappointed I get. Or how much long you keep me waiting. I will still be feeling this way. So go ahead… disappoint me, do keep me wait until I run out of patience. Keep doing it until the day I feel no sadness despite the disappointments anymore… Until I know no more pain… Until I turn numb. Til then, I will still say,
I love you.

Finally Living. Selflessly Loving. Really Learning.

I am alive and I feel alive.

I am alive and I feel alive.

July is so far, okay. Nothing unusual or worth-writing has happened yet. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t really care. Though lately, I’ve spent most of my free time thinking about my life, about what I want, and what I need. I initially planned on making a list of everything I want and need to serve as my easy guide on the things I have to work for. Then I got lazy. HAHA. How I hope it’s that easy. Making a list of what I want and need with the goal of crossing out as many as I can. It can be that easy but I know myself too well. I am not good with lists anymore. Chances are, I might even misplace or lose it even before I can cross out something from it.

It’s amazing how everyday seemed like a chance of discovering something new about me. Funny how every time I daydream or indulge myself to self-evaluation, I find that I am still not the person I want to be or I think I could be. At least, I’m not becoming the person I hate either. Now, how’s that for a good thing? Well, I’ve been through so much lately and I’m letting myself recover and move at my own pace. I really think that’s by far the best thing I’ve let myself do. And when I finally get back to my old ways, it will all feel like brand new because I’ve changed. Yes, I did. And everything, good or bad, that I’ve learned and felt and saw and smelled and touched and thought and did, I owe it all to life. I am alive and I feel alive.

My life isn’t perfect, not even close but I love it this way. It is better this way because I am learning (A LOT). This is probably what I need. This is probably what I want.

I’m Tired.

I'm Dying Here

I'm Dying Here

I’m tired ..

Just Tired Of EveryThing.

I want to pass this night .. I do not want to live it.

I want to sleep .. I can’t .

Punishment of life is very difficult.

i’m tired .. please any body feel me .. just feel me

i want to know there is any body .. just . just feel me ..

feel what i’m on..

My friends are all donkeys.

My family does not feel me and all mutter something else .

there Is No one understand any thing .. or feel any thing.

Please God .. There is no one with me .. I’m here just pray to you ..

O God, stopped in any way.

It is Pain in my body and my mind and my heart and my life ..

Hear me pray to you God.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarb..

( 14 / 11 / 2009 )

Now, this is the part where I was reminded of the occasion. Sheesh.
Going back to where ♥ and I started surely reminded me of two sad things;

that number one, it’s My valentine’s day…
and number two, ♥ not here.

Well .. Let me tell you what I will do 😉

Do not look at this view .. Yes, I smiled 😉

Well ..

I went and I bought :

1- Trident watermelon .
2- Kit Kat.
3- soda cream.
4- ice cream ( mega ).
5- potato chips the new ( shrimp ).

Sitting in the Balcony ..
Engine fan ..
Sitting on my chair ..
hearing Mohamed Fouad ( New Album ).

What do you think? 😉

It is my right to smile .. right?

Now .. I am standing here ,,
and Look To myself saying .. happy valentine day 😉

Fuck .. don’t look me with this view again ok !!

yes i saying it to my self ..

smiley face 🙂

ok .. so say happy valentine day to me .. and wish me luck in my day.

‘ Happy Monthly love day my sweet lover ‘


It hurts. Yes, it still does.

Standing in front of my mirror.

Saying :  Smile ..
Reaction : I’m smile.

Saying : Smile ,, Be Happy ..
Reaction : ……

Wait .. i’m looking to my self saying smile and i’m  actually crying.

You don’t know how much painful ..
how much too pain ful to write about.

How painful to looking to your self when you trying to be smiling and you can’t.

How painful to look at yourself and you underestimate yourself.

Wondering …

Do I deserve it .. Do I deserve what is happening ..

Believe me, I tried ..

I tried to forget ..
I tried to busy ..
I tried to get out of it ..

But I can’t.

There is no Words ..
Just a feeling.

I want him to continue to exist .. And

At the same time

I want him to disappear ..

I want to be Fine .. really i want.

P.S [ I miss You .. i’m happy To hear Your Voice ].

Crying again.

It has been many nights and I always feel better ,,

Words more clearly ..

I feel myself better.

I don’t know what happened.

Started again came to bouts of crying ,,

Sack to a world of dreams and imagine many things I wanted to do it.

And my heart is not able to imagine it has been lost and it will never go back.

I am tired.

I choked.

I do not have any solutions.

Just pray and pray and hope.

one reason. I DON’T KNOW HOW.