The Only .. One U !!

ThE OnLy OnE U !

ThE OnLy OnE U !

You’re no one special
You’re just about the only one
Who could see through my eyes
And make me feel safe
Even without my mask
You’re just about the only one
Who would look at me
And then my heart would skip a beat
You’re just about the only one
Who told me to just jump into things I love
And don’t worry bout falling
Coz you’ll be waiting for me
You’ll catch me
You’re just about the only one
Who could make me feel real
Make me strong
And let me believe
That I might be Pretty
You cared that I eat proper meals
You made sure I don’t stay up too late
You called me just to say ‘Hi’
You smile whenever you see me
You say I make you happy
You’re no one special
You just bent my heartstrings
And stirred my soul

Finally Living. Selflessly Loving. Really Learning.

I am alive and I feel alive.

I am alive and I feel alive.

July is so far, okay. Nothing unusual or worth-writing has happened yet. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t really care. Though lately, I’ve spent most of my free time thinking about my life, about what I want, and what I need. I initially planned on making a list of everything I want and need to serve as my easy guide on the things I have to work for. Then I got lazy. HAHA. How I hope it’s that easy. Making a list of what I want and need with the goal of crossing out as many as I can. It can be that easy but I know myself too well. I am not good with lists anymore. Chances are, I might even misplace or lose it even before I can cross out something from it.

It’s amazing how everyday seemed like a chance of discovering something new about me. Funny how every time I daydream or indulge myself to self-evaluation, I find that I am still not the person I want to be or I think I could be. At least, I’m not becoming the person I hate either. Now, how’s that for a good thing? Well, I’ve been through so much lately and I’m letting myself recover and move at my own pace. I really think that’s by far the best thing I’ve let myself do. And when I finally get back to my old ways, it will all feel like brand new because I’ve changed. Yes, I did. And everything, good or bad, that I’ve learned and felt and saw and smelled and touched and thought and did, I owe it all to life. I am alive and I feel alive.

My life isn’t perfect, not even close but I love it this way. It is better this way because I am learning (A LOT). This is probably what I need. This is probably what I want.

A good sample of what I can come up when I want to write but can’t think of anything decent to write about.

I love. I miss. I hug. I kiss. I sin. I fall. I fight. I frown. I lose. I cry.
I do all these because I want to… and because I love to…

I am unstable.
I am a fool.
I always fall short.
A lot of times I’ve though of myself as a failure.
I do improper things that I don’t resent or even regret.
Perhaps, I have already done more mistakes now than a person can make in a lifetime.

This who I am.
This is who I was.
And this is who I will be.
Without regrets or anything of the sort…
At least I can proudly say, at the end of my story, I have lived an interesting life.

I am a retard.
And I love being one.

Crying again.

It has been many nights and I always feel better ,,

Words more clearly ..

I feel myself better.

I don’t know what happened.

Started again came to bouts of crying ,,

Sack to a world of dreams and imagine many things I wanted to do it.

And my heart is not able to imagine it has been lost and it will never go back.

I am tired.

I choked.

I do not have any solutions.

Just pray and pray and hope.

one reason. I DON’T KNOW HOW.

I Remember. Yes, I Remember || Story.

It was in summer of last year when my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks. We both had issues – mostly personal ones that we had to deal with that time. Looking back, I can say that the issue came from my end. I was dealing with a personal issue for so long during that time… I’ve kept that to myself for too long until one day I realized that I don’t know myself anymore, or what I want or need to do in my life. I kinda blamed my boyfriend for it and I felt like he didn’t fully understand what I was going through and what he had to do with it. So I asked for space out of fear that one day I’ll wake up hating him and loving him no more. However to him, it was either way painful and it (asking for space and  breakup) almost meant the same. Prolly, to take away all the complications that he can, he took the liberty of asking for a breakup, w/c out of stupidity, I granted.

Tears fell as the weeks passed. We were both in pain… our families were too. I remember my mom would cry with me at night. And during the weekends at LB. Everybody who have been a witness of our great love story were all very affected. To have witnessed us grow together in the stretch of Two years and six months, they all felt like they have to do something to help us work things out. But they just ended up feeling helpless.

I kept myself busy with my work. Erik, on the other hand, diverted all his attention to dancing. He got his dancing career going good and slowly he was recognized by the dance community. He was often invited to conduct dance classes in the metro. It’s what kept him busy during the weekends… the weekends that we were supposed to spend together if we hadn’t broken up.

Knowing him, I know he will put whatever it is that he feels to his dancing and so I was watchful of what song he will use in his classes because at that time, it was my only way of knowing. Yes, we were not talking. Of course, I was right. Guess, I know him pretty well. june 28 gave me the validation that I needed. Erik hates me and just like me, he’s in so much pain. He used Keyshia Cole I Remember. The moment I saw in Multiply that he’s going to use that song, I immediately googled it and the next thing I know, I was crying nonstop. I called in sick at work the following day because my eyes were totally swollen. I was a mess.

Yes.. I Remember. That was the song that made me ache as if my heart was cut into pieces or maybe worse than that. I felt like a huge part of me died. Then, I turned numb. It was that song. Yes, it was that song that gave me the most excruciating pain in the history of breakups. Few days after that, i got used to the presence of pain. There were no more tears. What can be more painful than seeing him dance all his pain and hatred out, right? what can be more painful than the message of that song.

I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn’t take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside I’m still loving you.
I’m sad and lonely.

See what I mean? I almost gave up because of this song. But I’m glad I didn’t. I was able to use the numbness I have to my advantage. I tried to get him back but he kept rejecting me telling me he’s not sure if he still wants to. But I kept on trying anyway. I wasn’t feeling any pain anymore. I practically have nothing to lose. And I’m glad that I did. Because one day, he came to me and I was full of tears with arms wide open.

I still burst into tears whenever I hear or think of this song during the first months after we got back together. It was a song that I cannot avoid because it was one of his best works. And as the months passed, I find myself gradually coping with the situation. There were no longer tears but there’s still a little bit of pain. And today, I accidentally heard this song again in my player and there was no pain at all. I just found myself smiling to the memories this song has in me.

I Remember. This song will forever be a part of me. It will forever be a part of my history. It will forever remind me of the things that I learned in love and life. Above all, it wil remind me that in my life, I have learned to love FOREVER.