( 14 / 11 / 2009 )

Now, this is the part where I was reminded of the occasion. Sheesh.
Going back to where ♥ and I started surely reminded me of two sad things;

that number one, it’s My valentine’s day…
and number two, ♥ not here.

Well .. Let me tell you what I will do 😉

Do not look at this view .. Yes, I smiled 😉

Well ..

I went and I bought :

1- Trident watermelon .
2- Kit Kat.
3- soda cream.
4- ice cream ( mega ).
5- potato chips the new ( shrimp ).

Sitting in the Balcony ..
Engine fan ..
Sitting on my chair ..
hearing Mohamed Fouad ( New Album ).

What do you think? 😉

It is my right to smile .. right?

Now .. I am standing here ,,
and Look To myself saying .. happy valentine day 😉

Fuck .. don’t look me with this view again ok !!

yes i saying it to my self ..

smiley face 🙂

ok .. so say happy valentine day to me .. and wish me luck in my day.

‘ Happy Monthly love day my sweet lover ‘


It hurts. Yes, it still does.

Standing in front of my mirror.

Saying :  Smile ..
Reaction : I’m smile.

Saying : Smile ,, Be Happy ..
Reaction : ……

Wait .. i’m looking to my self saying smile and i’m  actually crying.

You don’t know how much painful ..
how much too pain ful to write about.

How painful to looking to your self when you trying to be smiling and you can’t.

How painful to look at yourself and you underestimate yourself.

Wondering …

Do I deserve it .. Do I deserve what is happening ..

Believe me, I tried ..

I tried to forget ..
I tried to busy ..
I tried to get out of it ..

But I can’t.

There is no Words ..
Just a feeling.

I want him to continue to exist .. And

At the same time

I want him to disappear ..

I want to be Fine .. really i want.

P.S [ I miss You .. i’m happy To hear Your Voice ].

A good sample of what I can come up when I want to write but can’t think of anything decent to write about.

I love. I miss. I hug. I kiss. I sin. I fall. I fight. I frown. I lose. I cry.
I do all these because I want to… and because I love to…

I am unstable.
I am a fool.
I always fall short.
A lot of times I’ve though of myself as a failure.
I do improper things that I don’t resent or even regret.
Perhaps, I have already done more mistakes now than a person can make in a lifetime.

This who I am.
This is who I was.
And this is who I will be.
Without regrets or anything of the sort…
At least I can proudly say, at the end of my story, I have lived an interesting life.

I am a retard.
And I love being one.

Crying again.

It has been many nights and I always feel better ,,

Words more clearly ..

I feel myself better.

I don’t know what happened.

Started again came to bouts of crying ,,

Sack to a world of dreams and imagine many things I wanted to do it.

And my heart is not able to imagine it has been lost and it will never go back.

I am tired.

I choked.

I do not have any solutions.

Just pray and pray and hope.

one reason. I DON’T KNOW HOW.

I Remember. Yes, I Remember || Story.

It was in summer of last year when my relationship with my boyfriend went on the rocks. We both had issues – mostly personal ones that we had to deal with that time. Looking back, I can say that the issue came from my end. I was dealing with a personal issue for so long during that time… I’ve kept that to myself for too long until one day I realized that I don’t know myself anymore, or what I want or need to do in my life. I kinda blamed my boyfriend for it and I felt like he didn’t fully understand what I was going through and what he had to do with it. So I asked for space out of fear that one day I’ll wake up hating him and loving him no more. However to him, it was either way painful and it (asking for space and  breakup) almost meant the same. Prolly, to take away all the complications that he can, he took the liberty of asking for a breakup, w/c out of stupidity, I granted.

Tears fell as the weeks passed. We were both in pain… our families were too. I remember my mom would cry with me at night. And during the weekends at LB. Everybody who have been a witness of our great love story were all very affected. To have witnessed us grow together in the stretch of Two years and six months, they all felt like they have to do something to help us work things out. But they just ended up feeling helpless.

I kept myself busy with my work. Erik, on the other hand, diverted all his attention to dancing. He got his dancing career going good and slowly he was recognized by the dance community. He was often invited to conduct dance classes in the metro. It’s what kept him busy during the weekends… the weekends that we were supposed to spend together if we hadn’t broken up.

Knowing him, I know he will put whatever it is that he feels to his dancing and so I was watchful of what song he will use in his classes because at that time, it was my only way of knowing. Yes, we were not talking. Of course, I was right. Guess, I know him pretty well. june 28 gave me the validation that I needed. Erik hates me and just like me, he’s in so much pain. He used Keyshia Cole I Remember. The moment I saw in Multiply that he’s going to use that song, I immediately googled it and the next thing I know, I was crying nonstop. I called in sick at work the following day because my eyes were totally swollen. I was a mess.

Yes.. I Remember. That was the song that made me ache as if my heart was cut into pieces or maybe worse than that. I felt like a huge part of me died. Then, I turned numb. It was that song. Yes, it was that song that gave me the most excruciating pain in the history of breakups. Few days after that, i got used to the presence of pain. There were no more tears. What can be more painful than seeing him dance all his pain and hatred out, right? what can be more painful than the message of that song.

I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn’t take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside I’m still loving you.
I’m sad and lonely.

See what I mean? I almost gave up because of this song. But I’m glad I didn’t. I was able to use the numbness I have to my advantage. I tried to get him back but he kept rejecting me telling me he’s not sure if he still wants to. But I kept on trying anyway. I wasn’t feeling any pain anymore. I practically have nothing to lose. And I’m glad that I did. Because one day, he came to me and I was full of tears with arms wide open.

I still burst into tears whenever I hear or think of this song during the first months after we got back together. It was a song that I cannot avoid because it was one of his best works. And as the months passed, I find myself gradually coping with the situation. There were no longer tears but there’s still a little bit of pain. And today, I accidentally heard this song again in my player and there was no pain at all. I just found myself smiling to the memories this song has in me.

I Remember. This song will forever be a part of me. It will forever be a part of my history. It will forever remind me of the things that I learned in love and life. Above all, it wil remind me that in my life, I have learned to love FOREVER.