Finally Living. Selflessly Loving. Really Learning.

I am alive and I feel alive.

I am alive and I feel alive.

July is so far, okay. Nothing unusual or worth-writing has happened yet. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t really care. Though lately, I’ve spent most of my free time thinking about my life, about what I want, and what I need. I initially planned on making a list of everything I want and need to serve as my easy guide on the things I have to work for. Then I got lazy. HAHA. How I hope it’s that easy. Making a list of what I want and need with the goal of crossing out as many as I can. It can be that easy but I know myself too well. I am not good with lists anymore. Chances are, I might even misplace or lose it even before I can cross out something from it.

It’s amazing how everyday seemed like a chance of discovering something new about me. Funny how every time I daydream or indulge myself to self-evaluation, I find that I am still not the person I want to be or I think I could be. At least, I’m not becoming the person I hate either. Now, how’s that for a good thing? Well, I’ve been through so much lately and I’m letting myself recover and move at my own pace. I really think that’s by far the best thing I’ve let myself do. And when I finally get back to my old ways, it will all feel like brand new because I’ve changed. Yes, I did. And everything, good or bad, that I’ve learned and felt and saw and smelled and touched and thought and did, I owe it all to life. I am alive and I feel alive.

My life isn’t perfect, not even close but I love it this way. It is better this way because I am learning (A LOT). This is probably what I need. This is probably what I want.

It hurts. Yes, it still does.

Standing in front of my mirror.

Saying :  Smile ..
Reaction : I’m smile.

Saying : Smile ,, Be Happy ..
Reaction : ……

Wait .. i’m looking to my self saying smile and i’m  actually crying.

You don’t know how much painful ..
how much too pain ful to write about.

How painful to looking to your self when you trying to be smiling and you can’t.

How painful to look at yourself and you underestimate yourself.

Wondering …

Do I deserve it .. Do I deserve what is happening ..

Believe me, I tried ..

I tried to forget ..
I tried to busy ..
I tried to get out of it ..

But I can’t.

There is no Words ..
Just a feeling.

I want him to continue to exist .. And

At the same time

I want him to disappear ..

I want to be Fine .. really i want.

P.S [ I miss You .. i’m happy To hear Your Voice ].

A good sample of what I can come up when I want to write but can’t think of anything decent to write about.

I love. I miss. I hug. I kiss. I sin. I fall. I fight. I frown. I lose. I cry.
I do all these because I want to… and because I love to…

I am unstable.
I am a fool.
I always fall short.
A lot of times I’ve though of myself as a failure.
I do improper things that I don’t resent or even regret.
Perhaps, I have already done more mistakes now than a person can make in a lifetime.

This who I am.
This is who I was.
And this is who I will be.
Without regrets or anything of the sort…
At least I can proudly say, at the end of my story, I have lived an interesting life.

I am a retard.
And I love being one.